domingo, 10 de mayo de 2009

Cómo romper el clima, página 11, versículos del 14 al 23.

Momento cúlmine. Se define el caso del año, el triple asesinato por fin está por ser esclarecido. Todo el mundo (sí, hay prensa internacional y todo) está conteniendo la respiración para que se de a conocer tan esperada noticia. ¿Prevalecerá la justicia o triunfará la corrupción? En este instante se juega la vida o muerte (encarcelamiento o prisión domiciliaria en este caso) de una persona, y las familias de los damnificados aguardan para romper el tan alargado luto. Un silencio sepulcral cruza la sala, se pueden oír los latidos de los corazones, las respiraciones de los más nerviosos. Nos introducimos en la corte para llegar a la fuente, para ser testigos de tan importante momento:

Juez: En este caso, el acusado tiene derecho a pedir que se le posponga la pena por falta de prue…”
Chico colgado que se cree en una película hollywoodense: ¡OBJECIÓN!
Juez entre sorprendido y molesto- Señor, le pido que se controle, el público no puede participar de las sesiones, sólo se permiten oyentes.
Robert De Niro argentino: Por el poder que me otorga el estado de California, exijo que se me consulte antes de hacer la moción.
Juez totalmente indignado: Pero qué se cree usted, ni siquiera sabe de lo que está hablando. Ese vocabulario no existe, y lo que acaba de decir no tiene sentido, dejando de lado que en el penal de Colegiales dudo que el estado de California tenga alguna autoridad sobre la materia. Seguridad por favor, retírenlo.
Di Caprio colgando de los brazos de los patovicas al son de: ¡Podrán matar a un hombre, pero jamás a sus ideas! Hoy me encarcelan a mí, pero muero mártir…

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Marcha nupcial sonando de fondo, palomillas blancas surcando los celestes cielos otoñales, la elegancia está hecha persona en el recinto. No hay mujer que no tenga que retocar su maquillaje debido a las lágrimas; también encontramos algunos “afrancesados” enjugando las saladas gotas de sus ruborizados pómulos.
Se vislumbra la novia traspasando el portal de la casa del señor, blanca toda, acompañada del ser que la vio crecer. Ha aceptado entregar la mano de su hija viendo el amor que se profesa con su inminente marido, empresario famoso, amante bondadoso.
Llegan al altar, las miradas se cruzan tiernas y refulgentes a través del velo. El pretendiente recibe a su dama de la mano de su procreador, simbolizando la entrega de su más preciado bien, repitiendo un ritual milenario. Dos familias aguardan el momento en que se unirán a través del sagrado matrimonio; centenares de amigos aguardan tan merecida demostración de felicidad y amor.
Aquí viene la tan gastada escena de toda película romántica. Espero que se sepan los parlamentos porque las palabras del sacerdote me han quedado bastante imprecisas, pero creo que todos me comprenderán en lo que trato de plasmar:

Ministro de la eucaristía, serio en su túnica: Pablo, ¿promete amar y respetar a Juliana tanto en la salud como en la enfermedad, en la fortuna como en la ruina, bla bla bla?
Pablo, con convicción: Sí, acepto.
Ministro de la eucaristía, cansado de repetir siempre la misma fórmula: María, ¿aceptas como esposo a Pablo, comprometiéndote a acompañarlo en la adversidad como en…?
María, llorando de felicidad: Sí, acepto.
Ministro, aliviado y conmovido: Habiendo dado y recibido los votos de compromiso, y gracias a la autoridad que me confiere el Santo Evangelio, ahora los declaro marido y mujer.
María y Pablo están a punto de besarse, pero…
¡YO ME OPONGO!
Las cabezas todas giran para comprobar lo que todos piensan que fue su imaginación, pero ahí lo ven, parado sobre el último banco, con la cara absolutamente desencajada y vestido como si hubiese acabado de terminar un partido de tenis de mesa a 5 sets.
Ministro, María, Pablo y varias voces más: ¿Pero quién carajo sos vos, flaco?
Nuestro misterioso rompebodas: Soy su peor pesadilla, muajajaja (risa tenebrosa)
Novios con cara de pocos amigos: Pero dejate de joder infeliz, ni siquiera te conocemos y venís acá a arruinarnos el día más feliz de nuestras vidas. ¡Comprate una vida!
Nuestro superhéroe (¿?): No voy a permitir esta sacra unión hasta que no se me den las explicaciones que vengo a buscar.
Toda la iglesia: ¿Y qué se supone que venís a buscar, tarado?
Señor inoportuno: Hasta que no venga la parte de “que hable ahora o calle para siempre”, yo me niego a hacer declaraciones (se cruza de brazos como empacado)
Público impaciente: Bueeeeeno, nos podemos ir retirando que hay una fiesta que empezar, dejemos a este loquito con su momento de fama y vayámonos elegantemente disimulados.
Intruso desilusionado: Okei, okei, les cuento, no se impacienten. Pausa de suspenso. Yo soy el verdadero amor de Julieta (¿no se llamaba María?) y no voy a permitir que nuestra historia se interrumpa.
Novia ultrajada: Llamen a la policía, no lo conozco y me da miedo.
Galán de cine: Amor mío, lo nuestro es algo que trasciende las fronteras, no puedes negar lo que tuvimos, el fuego aún sigue ardiendo (acento de telenovela venezolana).
Fuerzas especiales irrumpen en el lugar
El colgado: ¡Muchachos, a él! (señalando al novio). Quiero recuperar lo que me pertenece.

Creo que ni siquiera hace falta contarles el final. Nuestro tan poco ponderado personaje es atacado fieramente por sendos oficiales de las fuerzas armadas, al son de los “toc toc” de las picanas al chocar contra sus huesos, y de las botas de los invitados a la boda saliendo festivamente de la Iglesia, encaminándose lentamente en una procesión a la tan ansiada fiesta.
En un estado de semi-inconsciencia y un poco más morado que de costumbre, es arrojado en la vía pública con la advertencia de que tenga buena conducta o sería arrestado. Cuando cualquiera se hubiera dado cuenta de que era momento de agradecer, agachar cabeza y marchar rengueando hasta nuestra morada, con toda nuestra humillación a cuestas, este raro espécimen decide hacer una última jugada, solo él sabe con qué propósito.
Chico X: Oficiaaaaaaal (guiñando un ojo sospechosamente)
Oficial sin poder creer la estupidez del muchacho: ¿Qué sucede, mi buen hombre?
Muchachote: Creo que no empezamos de la mejor manera, ¿no aceptaría mis humildes disculpas? (Al mismo tiempo saca de su bolsillo una billetera gastada y la abre insinuantemente, dejando entrever algunos billetes chicos)
Oficial, no pudiendo creer lo que iba a ocurrir: ¿Me estás tratando de sobornar?
Bond, James Bond: Eso lo decidís vos, después de oler a mi amigo billetín (restregándole un Mitre vaya uno a saber por qué estaba mojado, por las fosas nasales)
La persona más cansada del mundo: Bastaaaaaa, llévenlo muchachos, no se merece estar en la calle molestando a nadie más.
Reo político: Podrán encerrarme a mí, cortar mis cuerdas vocales, desgarrarme las piernas hasta hacerme llorar y hasta tirarme en un foso con leones para ser devorado lentamente, pero jamás, repito jamás me podrán sacar la verdad de adentro. No voy a delatar a nadie, ya les dije que fue un ataque terrorista y moriré con esa información.
Cabo Gómez: Mejor llevalo al psicólogo que este tarado está o totalmente colocado o tiene serios problemas que yo no pienso aguantar.

Renny

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